We were married in 2000, I was 26 and Chris would have been 30. I figured we would start our family two years later but with paying Chris' student loans off, we decided to wait. That way I could be a stay at home mama, which is what I had always dreamed of. We moved to Appleton, WI. shortly after our wedding and lived in a cute two bedroom duplex. It's funny how, late at night, when Chris and I would cuddle on the coach, watching t.v., I could "see" a little toddler in footie jammies turning the corner from the second bedroom, as if they had sneaked from their bedroom to join us (looking back now, that toddler looked so much like Pooh). I REALLY wanted a baby. We had lived in Appleton for three years when Chris accepted a job offer from Walmart to work in Rhinelander. So we moved. That in itself was a comedy.
We rented a uhaul truck, right after Chris and a friend loaded up the first piece of heavy furniture (pull out sofa), Chris hopped off the back and landed wrong, twisting his ankle. I was inside packing more kitchen stuff when I heard his painful scream. Ran out and he was on the ground cradling his ankle. Upon looking, you could just see it swelling up. I quickly ran to Walmart and purchased an ankle brace. Chris? Well, he slapped that sucker on and kept on going. That really sums up his character. He just keeps going. Getting things done that need to be done. No matter how tired he is or in how much pain he is in. After we moved everything onto the uhaul, because we had not found anything to rent, we transferred everything into a storage unit in Wausau, and temporarily moved in with his parents. Once the last piece of furniture/box was loaded from the truck and into storage, I took Chris to see a doctor (FYI: I had pleaded for him to see one as soon as he had injured himself), turns out he had a third degree fracture, he almost broke it, he did tear some ligaments. His ankle still bothers him to this day. Poor guy. Anyway, we found a little
So we tried. For a baby. Every month. For over a year. Nothing. No baby. Was it him? Was it me?
How could something that should be so natural for a couple be so difficult? We were both tested. First Chris. He supplied enough but they were not in the best shape (his swimmers were wearing helmets and swimming in circles, basically) the doctor advised him to wear boxers. The briefs were tossed out. Doctor advised him to quit smoking (shocker: he use to be a smoker- stress reliever that started in college). He quit cold turkey. Went back and his swimmers? Doing awesome and his numbers increased. Then I was tested. They ran some dye thru my fallopian tubes, I had one slightly blocked, which the pressure from the dye had helped. All thru the testing, we were still trying. I was put on clomid, nothing (I wouldn't find out until we were trying for Pooh, that I have PCOS). If you have never been thru infertility, you may not understand the desperation, the strain it can put on a marriage. I had always wanted to be a mom. I was so angry with Chris for making me wait. I resented him so much. I felt that he didn't want children as much as I did. If you know him and have seen him with our kids, obviously you know that is further than the truth. I worked in a pharmacy where I saw many unwed (teenagers) women who were expecting their first...third...fourth baby. I was so emotional. We had just about given up and were getting ready to discuss what our next option would be. I was at work (Marshfield Clinc) and was feeling sick. I went in to see my doctor, who had asked if I were pregnant. No. I had been feeling crampy and expected my period any day. She sent me down for blood work and had me wait in her office. I was then informed that I was pregnant. Pregnant? A baby! A baby! I quickly phoned Chris to share the news. He was very happy but it's not the same as telling your husband in person, where they hug you and cry tears of joy. But you do what you do. It had been a long time coming and there was no way I'd be able to wait until that night. A baby. Finally. We told our parents. We told our friends. We told EVERYBODY our wonderful news. Baby would be here in February. Chris' birthday is on February 17th and wouldn't it be great if they shared the same date? We made plans. Baby plans. We discussed names. A boy for him OR a girl for me. We purchased a crib. We purchased a recliner for late night feedings and cuddle time. I purchased how to baby books. Dreams come true.
It was the weekend of the Fourth of July. I was scheduled to work in the pharmacy so, I got up and started my morning routine. I discovered that I was bleeding. Clots. I quickly screamed for Chris and he ran in as I held the bloodied toilet paper and cried, "does this mean I'm losing the baby?" I can't recall all of the details but I phoned work to let them know what was happening and that I would not be going in. I had to find my own coverage. I then phoned my doctor and told him what I was experiencing. Because it was a holiday, they wouldn't be open, so I wouldn't be seen until Tuesday. I let DR. TWELMEYER know that I wanted to go to the emergency room and he actually stalled, I quickly informed him that I needed to know if my baby was dead and I could not wait till Tuesday to find out and to pretend that I was his wife. He finally consented and said he would phone the hospital. What an ass. The whole experience was God awful. I had lost the baby. Had I done something wrong? Just two days before I had had an ultrasound, I had seen him...her? I had seen her...his heartbeat. How can you be here one day and cease to exist the next? I went in on Tuesday and spoke with DR. TWELMEYER, who showed no sympathy for me just pushed a box of Kleenex across his desk as I cried. He said that these things happen. That he did not feel a D & C was in order, my body would get rid of the baby on it's own, like a heavy period. And to wait at least a year before trying for another baby. I had mentioned that I wanted to take a couple of days off and he was against that because a fellow technician WAS pregnant and they needed the extra help. Ass. I took the week off. Going back to work was very hard and depressing. Like I had mentioned, I had a coworker who was also pregnant, with her first, which wasn't even planned. I was happy and jealous all at the same time. Then I became angry with God. I blamed him. I felt, why my baby. Why not HERS? I'm ashamed that I felt that way but I also know that it is normal and that something was very wrong with the pregnancy and that of course, it was not God's fault. I know that God is not to blame for anything that we do or that happens to us.
I had back ache and bled for 30 days straight. My doctor, who was very wonderful, called me into her office around day 28 after my loss. She could tell I was hurting and asked if I needed anything for depression. I said no, that I was mourning and I would be fine in my own time. But I did explain how I had phoned DR. TWELMEYER'S office and asked if it was normal to bleed for this many days after a miscarriage. His nurse told me yes. I don't know what made me share that with her in the first place…but she ended up contacting the head of OBGYN and he called me in the pharmacy and asked to see me. I'm thinking everyone must be concerned that I'm going to hurt myself or something. He was concerned but not that I was going to harm myself but that I was still bleeding and that my back ached. They quickly performed an ultrasound. It's utterly ridiculous but during the whole procedure, I was thinking: MAYBE there were twins! Maybe I lost one and the other is fine!! See, dumb but I was SO desperate. And I really wanted my baby back. So I clung to hope. But it turned out that I still had part of the placenta inside me and it was rotting <gross!> and an emergency D & C was scheduled for the next day.
Dr Sorvino, who was just absolutely WONDERFUL, performed the procedure. Everything went well and she said I could start trying for another as soon as I have a healthy, normal period. There was no need to wait a year or six months. I explained my experience with DR. TWELMEYER and asked if she was taken new patients, to which she informed me: you are my patient. Love her, she was awesome.
Because we had shared our wonderful news, that we were finally expecting, we would have friends come up to congratulate us. Can you imagine the horrific look upon their faces when we had to quickly shake our heads NO, before they could finish their sentence, no, we lost the baby. Then, trying to comfort them because they feel awful. Or when family members just don't quite understand why you can't be there during a holiday. Because there will be babies. I had lost mine. With him/her, I lost that hope, those baby plans, baby dreams. While pregnant, I thought of what they would look like, who they would be. What would have life been like with baby. Was baby a boy or a girl. I was mourning because to me, he or she was real. One minute baby was here, a dream come true. The next minute, I woke up to it being just a beautiful distant dream. I still think of him…her. And I wonder what life would have been like. But then I would not have my Ellie. And I know that everything does happen for a reason. And what is meant to be, is meant to be. And I deeply believe that baby A's little soul is up in Heaven, waiting.
Thru out the whole trying for kids, being pregnant with our first, the loss, I never saw Chris get emotional. He always tries to be strong for me. So I can have a shoulder to lean on. Cry on, if needed. I found out a couple of months after being back to work. Another technician had shared that Chris had filled my pain meds at the pharmacy and that when an older pharmacists (who is just a great and caring individual) inquired over me, Chris broke down. And just cried. I never would have known how much he was hurting. That he was just as desperate for a baby of our own and that he was mourning just as much as I was over the loss of our first little one.
I remembered all of this because of the change in my blog's title. I was also in the process of feeding Evie, which got me thinking: Look at us now! Who would have thought, way back then, when we were facing challenges. Thinking that it would never happen. That we would never have a baby of our own. We now have three. Three beautiful. Three healthy. Three wonderful. Three babies. And we're talking about a fourth. So, with that, the morning I pee'd on the (third pregnancy stick-because I was rather quick in tossing out the first and thought I only saw one line, the second-because I "had a feeling" and the third-because the box came with three tests and I just had to), I woke Chris up and announced "LARSON, PARTY OF FIVE!" He didn't get teary eyed like I did but he did cry when she entered the world and he held her for the first time.
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